


Existential crisis

by LadyNikita



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Existential Crisis, Gen, M/M, lots of it actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 12:09:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11275053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyNikita/pseuds/LadyNikita
Summary: Dan is having an existential crisis about death and really needs comfort and that's basically it. Yes, I wrote almost 2k words just about existential crisis. Welcome to my world.





	Existential crisis

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to say that I'm living in a constant existential crisis lately, so I'm sorry for the dwellings, also they can get a bit weird, cause it's late and I'm tired so yeah  
> Enjoy! <3  
> (I love feedback more than my life, just sayin' :3)

Dan woke up early today. The sky was still slightly pink and orange from the sunrise. He didn't bother to look at the timer, he got up and made his way to a window. He looked at the sky, but before his eyes he still saw the black fringe of his best friend... his cold, ocean blue eyes, that used to be bright, full of life and positive energy, but now were lifeless, covered in some kind of white, impermeable veil of death. Dan took a deep breath. He knew it was only a dream and tried to hold on to that thought, but his mind was slowly giving in to the fact that one day Phil will die. And nothing could change it.  
Now, Dan had always been reconciled with the inevitability of death... or so he tried to convince himself. But he realised that if it were to happen, that Phil would die before Dan and would leave him alone on this world, Dan would not be able to live his life anymore. He realised that without Phil everything would be just worthless. Will be worthless. Is going to be worthless.  
Dan squeezed his eyelids shut and clenched his fists. His breath accelerated as thoughts were racing through his mind. Our lives are so fragile, he thought, we can get hurt so easily. Die so easily. We wouldn't even know when or how, our life can just end, like a snap of fingers. What if Phil dies soon - like, tomorrow? Or today? It could happen anytime and Dan wouldn't be able to stop it. He would be forced to face life without Phil... This vision seemed like a worse horror than dark forest full of supernatural creatures and moths to Dan.   
He suddenly blinked and shook his head, reassessing what he was thinking about a moment ago. Did he just deliberated when Phil would die? That couldn't be normal. Normal people don't think of when and how their best friends would die. Or do they?  
Dan sighed deeply and came back to bed. Maybe after he sleeps a bit, he'll get rid of these thoughts and be able to function like a normal human being. But the second he closed his eyes the vision was back, flooding his mind like a tsunami, causing his chest to burn with ache. He opened his eyes, sharply inhaling and sitting upright. Tears gathered in his eyes so he angrily wiped them away with his hand and stood up.   
Carefully, not to make any noise, he walked out of his bedroom, grabbing his phone on the way, to the kitchen and made himself some coffee. Only then he looked at the clock - it was 5:38 a.m. That meant he had loads of time before Phil wakes up.   
Dan leaned against a counter, clutching the mug tightly as if it was his tether to reality. Phil is fine and he's going to be fine for a long time. It's okay, nothing bad is going to happen. But these words didn't give him the comfort he craved for. They were not helpful, not when he was the one to say them. Suddenly he wanted Phil to wake up, to hug him, to tell him that everything is going to be just fine. He wanted to feel his strong arms around him, he wanted to hear his soft whisper, full of care and comfort. He wanted to not feel so alone.  
He knew though, that Phil stayed up quite late, as usual, so he won't wake up at least before nine. So Dan needed to do something with himself until that time.  
He could take out his laptop and scroll through tumblr or any other social media, but it seemed so... meaningless. He finished his coffee and made his way to his room. On the way he walked through the hallway with a grey carpet and considered laying on the ground, but he dropped that thought, realising that would only make his thoughts clearer in his mind, more visible and he would have to relive the nightmare again. Not very inviting option.   
He entered his bedroom and closed the door. He sat on his white butt chair and leaned back. His hands on their own found their way to the keyboard nearby. Before he realised, he was playing. He didn't know what exactly the song was. He just gave into it, let the music take over his fingers and mind, flushing the crippling thoughts out. He played the song over and over again, completely losing track of time. He let his fingers dance on the keyboard on their own, the old, drilled habit to just give into the sound.   
Suddenly, his finger slipped, breaking the melody.   
"Shit," he muttered under his nose and placed his fingers on the right keys, when something made him freeze.  
"It was great anyway." He heard a quiet voice he'd been waiting for all morning. He turned around rapidly.   
There he was. His black hair was still a bit messy and his eyes behind glasses were sleepy. He wore his festive Easter pyjamas that he'd bought two weeks ago on a sale. A big smile has brightened his face.   
"Oh, hey, Phil," Dan said, answering with a smile too. "I thought you were asleep."  
"I was," he agreed.   
"Oh, sorry," Dan apologised for waking him up, but Phil was already shaking his head.  
"This is the best way to be woken up ever," he assured and smiled deeper. "You know I love it when you play."  
Dan smiled and looked down at the keyboard. Music was tuning out his thoughts but it never was a permanent solution. They started to come back, slowly creeping on the edges of his conscience, like shadows.   
"So have you had breakfast yet? And what are you doing up so early?" he chuckled and turned around, heading towards the kitchen, expecting Dan to follow him. But Dan stayed on his chair. Phil's casual tone was so... out of line, incongruous even. It was so weird, that he had no idea that Dan was thinking about his death.   
"Dan?" he heard Phil's call. "Are you coming?"  
"I'm on my way," he called in an answer, not moving an inch. He desperately wanted to tell Phil everything about the nightmare, about the entirety of this morning, but on the other hand, he didn't want to trouble him with this. They were his weird thoughts that he should take care of. There's no need to put this on Phil.   
He stood up and made his way back to the kitchen. Phil was making cereal and the clock was showing half past seven in the morning.   
"You want some?" he shook a pack of Shreddies and looked at Dan.   
"Yes, please," he said and took out two bowls and milk from the frigde.   
They ate together, as always, watching an episode of Attack on Titan. Dan, however, couldn't focus on it at all. He was shooting glances at Phil. When the episode ended, he still had half of the bowl uneaten.   
Phil looked at it and back at Dan.  
"Everything okay?" he asked, with a note of concern in his voice.   
This was Dan's chance to say "No, it's not okay, because one day you're gonna die and I can't bear that", his chance to get the comfort he craved so hard for in his heart, but he didn't. Something inside him just didn't let him say that anything was wrong, just to save Phil the trouble.   
"It's fine. I'm just tired," he said instead, as he always did when something was wrong. Tiredness was always the best excuse, because everyone these days was tired and, in fact, so was he. No one ever figured though, that there's something more to it.   
The worst thing was, Phil wasn't really that different in this case.   
"Well, you should've slept a bit longer then" he shrugged and turned the TV off. "What's the schedule for today? We were supposed to shoot some new Sims, right?"  
"Yeah, I think so" Dan nodded and stirred the milk with a spoon. "We should also think about some Easter baking video, there was quite a lot of requests for that."  
"Oh, yes, we should do some more pastel things!" Phil grinned, what made Dan smile a bit. He loved to see him excited, his eyes were so glittery then. He realised how much he loves to watch Phil just living. Being happy. How lucky he himself was to be able to watch him like this.   
But this was also the reason why he was so scared. He was scared of death and passing of time just because he fell in love with Phil. We make a bond, when we make friends, and this bond after time is trussing us inside and getting so tight we could never extricate without a scratch. His bond with Phil was even tighter. If it didn't exist, Dan wouldn't be worrying about him now. But at the same time, how would he live his life without Phil? He had saved him. Even more, he had helped him find his way to happiness. Then why was he suffering? Was it all worth it?  
"Hey, Dan?" Phil waved his hand, bringing him back to reality. "You sure you're alright?"  
"Yeah, it's just the fatigue, I'm fine," he tried to smile. He was a good actor, after college. Pretending everything was fine wasn't a problem. He was sure that no one could look through such tricks.   
Phil sat next to him on the couch and gave him concerned look.   
"Have you heard anything I said?" he asked and Dan shook his head.   
"Sorry. Can you repeat?"  
Phil sighed.   
"I can see something's bothering you, Dan. You know you can always talk to me, right? About anything."  
Dan looked in Phil's eyes. He managed to scare himself with his own thoughts. Bravo for him.   
"Existential crisis," he said simply and looked back at the floor. "No big deal."  
"It's never a small deal," Phil dissented and gave him a one-arm hug. "You can talk to me if you want. I'm here."  
Dan considered telling Phil everything. But on the other hand, wasn't it sick? Thinking about such things? How would Phil react? Dan had never told him about his feelings for him, but he subconsciously had a feeling that Phil knows and feels the same way. It just wasn't expressed in words yet. This, however... this was like a living proof of his feelings. Was he ready to open himself up to Phil like that? Is he entirely sure that Phil feels the same way?   
No. He wasn't, at least, not entirely. So he decided to utter just the half of it.   
"It's about death. Just... that one day I and everyone I love will be dead. It's... it's overwhelming. How we're alone in the universe. And how we can't stop it."  
Well, that wasn't what was bothering Dan, and Phil knew that.   
"I thought you were okay with death," he said carefully.  
Not yours, he thought, but out loud he said, "Yeah, well, turns out I'm not entirely okay with it." His face contorted. Phil rubbed his shoulder and pulled him closer.   
"I get it. But it's okay. We've still got plenty of time, both of us." Phil smiled softly and pulled Dan close to his chest. He could feel his heartbeat, it was calming him down. He smiled.   
"You're right," he muttered and relaxed. "Thank you."  
He felt Phil's lips move, making a smile.   
"Anytime, Danny. Now, how about we go shoot that Sims video? When you're ready."


End file.
